When we send a card to someone who has experienced a devastating event, such as a death in the family or a chronic illness, it's easy to spout off meaningless platitudes without even knowing it.  It's a good idea to watch for empty phrases - and make a conscious effort to replace them with meaningful words.

Here, for example, is what not to write to a new widow or widower:

1. "I know how you feel."  (Unless you've lost your own spouse, you don't know how it feels.)
2. "If there is anything I can do, just let me know."  (Offer specific assistance, not vague platitudes.  "Can I bring over dinner next Tuesday?  Would you like to try my chicken pot pie or would you prefer lasagna?")
3. "You should be glad s/he didn't suffer long."  (This is an empty and heartless thing to tell someone who is grieving.)
4. "How are you?"  (Be specific.  "I'm sure this is a very difficult time for you.  How are you coping each day?")
5. "Call me anytime."  (It's better for you to call or write him or her.)
6. "Bless your heart, you poor dear."  (Offer empathy, not pity.  "I'm glad you shared this with me so that I can be praying for you."  And be sure to follow through with prayers.)
7. "I'll give you a call sometime."  (Again, be specific, and call when you say you will.  "I'll call you next week so that we can plan something for the weekend.")
8. "You'll forget in time. Time heals all wounds."  (Who wants to forget a spouse, no matter how long?  Better to say, "I know the memories of your 45 years with Bill are very precious to you.")

No one finds it easy to come up with the right words to say to someone who is mourning, but think what you would want to hear.  It will help you be a blessing to someone who needs your encouragement.

Reprinted with permission by IntegrityNotes.Com