Q: A neighbor recently had a miscarriage. I'd like to send her a card, but I'm not sure what to write - so I've put it off and haven't done anything.  What's the right thing to say?

A: Like you, many people are hesitant to say anything to a family who is grieving the loss of a child - for fear of saying the wrong thing.  There's no "perfect" thing to say, but there are some things not to say:

• It was God's will.
• God will never give you more than you can bear.
• It's for the best. You don't know what was wrong with him.
• You can always have another child.
• Your child is in a better place now.
• Just give it time; you'll forget and feel better.
• You have to get on with your life.
• Now you'll have an angel in heaven.
• God could have been sparing you more pain.

The important thing is for you to reach out to someone who is hurting. Be honest if you don't know what to say. "I'm at a loss for words as you go through this very difficult time, but I want you to know you and your family are in my prayers.  I'm happy to get together with you anytime you want to talk;  I'll bring a shoulder, a listening ear, and a box of tissues."

Here are suggestions for what you can say or write:

• Who can I call for you? Let me help gather loving support around you.
• Cry when you need to because I know your tears are helping you grieve.
• This child was unique, special, and irreplaceable.  I know children are not interchangeable and the fact that you can have other children does not lessen the grief of losing this one.
• Let me take Amanda to the park, read a story, or just tickle her toes.  I know you don't feel like laughing or playing right now.
• I'm going to run errands now - is there anything I can pick up or do for you?
• There is no particular way you "should" feel or things you "should" do.  There are no rules about how grieving should go.

Your words don't have to be perfect.  The important thing is to simply reach out to a friend who needs it.

Reprinted with permission by IntegrityNotes.Com

For more suggestions of what to say and not say, visit www.babylosskit.com and click on 'resources'.